Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Dead synaps

I have heard people say this and when I hear it I just want to slap them and say " sure you do".
Then I realized I secretly say those words to myself often. There is that nagging self deprecating dialog creeping up again inside my mind telling ME no who do you think you are you cannot do that!
Lately my brain doesn't seem to be running on all cylinders, perhaps its my Peri-menopause getting the best of me? Or just no messages getting processed via the right hemisphere these days. What makes me think I can do this? Who am I in my right brain dominance anyway?
I look in the mirror and I see this lumpish overweight 40 something woman with signs of aging everyday who doesn't like what is staring back at her. And its not vanity as much as it is a disappointment in self . Sure I need to loose those extra pounds but why do I have them in the first place? that's the question.
Aging in my face doesn't really bug me at all and I actually welcome the gray hair, I have been trying to achieve that tone since I was a teenager. No I have no fear of getting older in fact I welcome the wisdom.
That's it! that's the problem I see when I look into the mirror! I dont feel like I am exercising my wisdom here! What is this Artist thing, why is it in me, what is its driving force and why does it seem to be at the very core of my being. As if with out it I might die unhappy.
Why do people like us do this, create thing? I could say that I am a right brain dominant and I wish I could actually say instead that my mind synchronizes. I am not sure mine does, in fact there are huge gaps in retrieval of information I know sits in their but because my corpus collosum seems to be lacking in proper communication skills I find myself stumped much of the time creatively.
Because I feel that I lack something-I seem to be
Vehemently afraid of failing and therefore instead of pushing for those "some would say" more lofty goals I keep my expectations low. However at this time in my life I do feel as though there simply is nothing to loose but gain.
I will make an attempt to re-ignite those synaps'
So I am committed to a journal of thoughts and memories to then later work out pros or scenes or chapters.
I have been told that one's first attempts at writing usually "suck" to put it plainly. So one needs to just START, and its probably important to not judge self.
As for my physical creativity I will decide soon where to dedicate my study and focus for one year. This will be difficult for me to manage because I love to touch things and explore new things but often it just spreads me to thin. Its time to just see where this takes me.